So maybe I'm hitting rock bottom. I dont know... I'm going to stay anonymous as possible.
I have a interesting background. I cant list all my injuries as I will no longer be anonymous but they are many including a amputation of one of my limbs.
So, with that, I came thru all that very well years ago. I was that guy people looked at and said "that guy is such an inspiration" or "if he can do what he does everyday I know I can" etc... I mean I really have always been the "bigger than life" guy... So this has been very hard for me to go thru, hard for me to admit, and damn hard to talk about.
I was injured at work, I had a bad back injury, required major surgery. Work comp has always paid me, they've never had any opinion other than the injury is obviously legitimate and no disagreements really. (Foot note: the adjuster I have had for the last few months after 3 years is significantly more aggressive i feel but still paying as should) When treatment stalled so to speak I think is when folks around started noticing my down turn in mood. Particularly my better half and best friend. This was about 1.5 years ago. I would say even typing that number is depressing. I cant believe I've set like a freaking stagnant lump on a log on this damn couch for 1.5 years doing almost nothing, sometimes crying when I'm alone, sometimes pondering what if I just checked out, wouldnt it be easier for everyone. Wouldnt she be able to move onto someone more deserving of her, because I really dont deserve her anymore, she knows, and I know, and everyone around us knows. Shes smart, works hard, successful, active, runs 5 miles a day, and beautiful and could have a man who is the same, her choice of them really, I can see them looking at us and thinking "why is she still with him"... Honestly, I think they are right.
I have no job, I'm on workers comp, they will stop paying me eventually and then what? I mean really what is there to look forward to? In alaska they only offer like 15K in re-training $, I made 120K a year before, so what, even if my doc said I could work, they are gonna train me to make 120K a year with 15K$ for school, I dont think so.
Anyway, basically I've just finally decided I am infact depressed. Probably in a big way. Not sure why I say "Probably" I know it's major, just still having trouble admitting it. I've never tried to act on anything, but I find myself thinking about it a lot, It would end my pain, it would let her go, no one would have to worry about me any more, etc... I doubt if I would ever act on it, I just really dont think it's the type of person I am. But sometimes I wish I were, probably more for her than anything else. I cant let her go, I love her to much, she wont let me go even though I'm pretty sure she'd like to, but is afraid of how it would affect me if she did.
So what got me here? I dont know really. I look at my life, I was extremely successful early, had made well over 300K a year a few times and was doing pretty well at time of injury, I look at my life and think "My god, how did I end up here" I mean really, how is this possible that this guy who was so ambitious, and so bigger than life, end up here? sitting on a couch from 8 AM (so she can see I'm up otherwise i'd just stay in bed) to 5pm. Then get up and be doing something when she comes home to look like I have been (Even though the indention in the couch proves the truth)... Then set back down and mope till bed time. She smiles and puts on a happy face, but it's easy to see thru. So I dont know what got me here... It's not just the back injury. It's a lot of things. I hurt all over... I've had so many broken bones, I hurt all over, literally. 24/7...
I have been seeing a therapist for a couple months to try and get approved for the next work comp operation.He isnt very effective I dont feel. I mean basically he seems hes just trying to fulfill the technical targets for approving the and completing the process and getting me into surgery. I had an IME appointment a while back and he told me "I'd go in there singing jolly songs and happy days so I could get the opp" ... My adjuster sord of is pushing that to. So I did, I told him I was better I acted a good game, firm hand shake, good posture, clean cut and tucked in and I did a good job. I think he bought it.
Problem is he gave me some forms to fill out. Basically its multiple choice but it's pretty obvious the top answer is "Not depressed" and the Bottom answer to each of the 30 questions is "severe depression" and I fall in the bottom on about 28 out of 30. So the question is, how the hell do I get out of this. Is it possible to get out of it? I cant see how, and I'm not stupid, when I think it thru, I cant see a way out.
Should I lie and answer them positively so I can get the surgery? I just cant see how it will matter... I dont see a scenario where I ever am a productive member of society again. So whats the point honestly? I'll never be the man i was before, so why not just settle, take Social sec disability and just go off somewhere and count the days for the rest of it watching tv setting on a couch. Let her go and move on...
I dont know what to do. I just needed somewhere to anomalously put it down in writing.